Another cold, dark, joyless year on this floating landfill in the sky has come and gone, and it’s time once more to celebrate The Loop’s holiest of holy days: Golf Festivus, a tip of Bubba’s visor to the most angry, absurd, morbidly entertaining moments to happen on country club property this year. So without further ado, put your hands together and give Frank Constanza a warm welcome for the annual Passing of the Aluminum Pole!
Master of Ceremonies
Was there a grumpier SOB in all of golf this year than Brooks Koepka? To be fair, Koepka did become the PGA Tour’s Rodney Dangerfield this year. Whether getting left out of a Fox U.S. Open promo despite being the back-to-back defending champ, getting identified as “Bruce” Kopeka at the Masters, or getting pipped by Rory for Player of the Year, Brooks got no respect. But between waging a holy war on slow play, admitting he only cares about majors, repeatedly destroying Brandel’s soul, and denying his girlfriend a kiss on live TV, Koepka gave as good as he got in 2019. Whatever you do, however, just don’t ask him if he likes golf.
Airing of Grievances
A really great crop of nominees this year, including the Golf Twitter old guard, who spent the evening following the U.S.’s epic come-from-behind victory at the Presidents Cup shouting at the Golf Twitter new guard to get off their virtual lawn. But the honors have to go the man, the myth, the legend—Patrick Reed’s caddie Kessler Karain—who got in a scuffle with a fan on Friday at Royal Melbourne in an entirely counterproductive attempt to ease the pressure on his besieged player. We should have just handed the trophy right back to the Internationals. It feels like everybody lost this one.
Non-Golf Mention: Antonio Brown, who kickstarted a months-long character suicide back in August by complaining that his helmet was too itchy or something. Since then he has cursed out the Commissioner, apologized, cursed him out again, sworn off white women, and called himself, and we quote, the “best 6 rounder of all TIME.” Such humble beginnings…
Feats of Strength
Perhaps motivated by the prospect of our Master of Ceremonies pulverizing him into oatmeal the next time he takes more than 40 seconds over a putt, this fall Bryson DeChambeau started hitting the gym HARD. And like anyone who hits the gym HARD, he started posting videos of hitting the gym HARD to Instagram about once every 15 seconds. Our favorite moment is the super spontaneous, totally-not-fabricated-for-the-babes hair flip in this one. A true classic of the genre.
Non-Golf Mention: Pete Freakin’ Alonso, who had an Aaron Judge-esque rookie year, winning the Home Run Derby in his first try and besting Judge’s all time rookie home run record by a solitary dinger. He also at one point got his shirt ripped off, in case you’re still mourning the loss of Bryson’s dreamy dad bod.
I mean, like, come on.
Non-Golf Mention: On September 19th, tied 31-31 with Houston with 27 seconds remaining, Tulane pulled off a fake kneel and a hail mary on their final drive to win the game. At the time we called it the “most shocking” college football dubya of the season, and it still is. Ride that green wave, folks.
A Donation Has Been Made in Your Name to the Human Fund
To the security guard who nearly took out Tiger’s achilles at the Masters, nearly spoiling the greatest individual comeback in sports history, a donation has been made in your name to the human fund. We know you probably won’t find this letter buried beneath all the death threats, but if you do, merry Festivus and Happy New Year!