Here are some of our favorite golf jokes we’ve collected from readers. Some of them are old classics, others seem to have popped up really recently. If you know of a good golf joke - why not submit it to the list? Include your name and home town if you’d like to receive a mention.

The Perfect Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the heck is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”

“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

—

Correct Stance

Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted.

“Anything the matter, mate.’” Harry asked.

“Oh, it’s just that I can’t stand the club pro,” Fred replied.

“He’s just been trying to correct my stance.”

“He’s only trying to help your game,” Harry soothed.

“Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time.”

—

Gorilla’s Revenge

The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game with the pro–$1000 a side with automatics.

The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.

The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.

The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.

As they walked from the tee the pro asked, “How does he putt?”

“The same as he drives…575 yards!” was the answer.

—

The Funeral

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

—

The Mermaid

Bud the golfer sets off on a round-the-world trip in his new boat, but he winds up veering off course and gets lost. He drifts onto a deserted island, where he is stranded, all alone.

Months go by and there’s no sign of rescue, and not even a soccer ball to keep him company. Then one day Bud sees a beautiful mermaid coming out of the surf, heading straight toward him.

The mermaid stops two feet in front of Bud and asks him in sexy voice, “Would you like a drink?”

Bud doesn’t have to think about his answer. “You bet!” he nearly shouts.

The mermaid opens the vest she’s wearing, reaches in and pulls out an ice-cold beer.

Then she asks, “Would you like a cigar?” And Bud quickly answers, “You bet!”

The mermaid opens her vest even more and pulls out a Tatuaje Cigar, which Bud lights up immediately with the lighter the mermaid also gives him.

The mermaid bats her eyes, opens her vest even more, and coos to Bud, “And would you like to play around?”

“Wow!” Bud says, “You’ve got golf clubs in there, too?”

- Submitted by Joe Grehan of Syosset, N.Y.

—

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers, Jon and Chuck, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Chuck a bet. “Let’s say we bet $50.”

Chuck agrees and they’re off.

After the 8th hole, Chuck is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he said to Jon.

After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four-point
penalty, Chuck pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my
ball!!!” he announces.

Jon looks at him. “After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together, you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”

“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”

“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon said. “I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on
your ball for the last five minutes!”

—

Words of Wisdom

A man will blame fate for all accidents that befall him, but will take full responsibility for a hole in one.

—-

A Hold Up

Brandon and Wesley are playing golf at their favorite course, but on every hole they are being held up by a twosome of women who are always half a hole ahead.

The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow. Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Wesley decided to do something.

“I’ll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through,” Wesley said. He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and headed back to where Brandon waited.

“Can’t do it,” Wesley said, sounding mighty embarrassed. “One of them is my wife and the other’s my mistress!”

“OK,” Brandon said with understanding. “Then I’ll go ask them.”

Brandon started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.

“What’s wrong?” Wesley asked when Brandon got back.

To which Brandon could only reply: “Small world, isn’t it?”

—

The Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight hile saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t you make them play at night?

—

The Scottish Castaway

A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him.

“Would you like some food?” she asked.

The Scot hoarsely croaks, “Och, lassie, I havna’ ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!”
She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis.

“Would you like something to drink?” she asked.

Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!
She disappeared into the woods again and returned sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven! Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said

“Would you like to play around?”

Och, lassie, don’t tell me ye’ve got a golf course here too!

—

Exercise

My caddy’s doctor told him to get more exercise. So last week he started walking five miles a day. I haven’t seen him since.

What’s your favorite golf joke? Share it!

-->